what to do when you wash a disposable diaper in the washing machine for the second time in a month

1. Cry.
2. Curse yourself (again) for being Eco-unconscious, and hate Mother Nature for such cruel, cruel punishment.
3. Fish out the clothes, piece by piece, and drop them in a laundry basket, trying somewhat not to scatter the exploded cancer-causing chlorine crystals all over the floor.
4. Once the clothes are out (including every toddler sock your family has ever owned), stick your hand down in the washing machine and make a swipe around the tub to get confirmation on how many inches-thick the crystallized goop is inside the washer.
5. Get really, really annoyed and stressed inside.
6. Spend a brief moment figuring out how this could be your husband’s fault.
7. Remember there are two young boys loose in the house. Put on a “Bob the Builder” DVD, and defy anyone to argue that this is not a perfect use of 21st-century technology in parenting.
8. Go back to the washing machine. First, scrunch a glob of the crystal goop up in your hands.
9. Realize this is more awful than fishing out soggy noodles from the sink strainer, and go get some paper towels for assistance.
10. Scoop as you can with the paper towels and then fetch the vacuum cleaner, mentally ignoring the echoes of your husband warning of mold in the vacuum if you vacuum up wet things.
11. Realize you don’t have the right attachment for the vacuum, and decide you need a scoop of peanut butter if you’re going to finish this job before dinner. And a glass of wine.
12. Then, crane the vacuum into the machine and suck up all those crystals. Take your time, now. Point that nozzle in every little dot and crevice in there. Those crystals are everywhere.
13. Finish, and take a deep, satisfying breath. Turn around and realize you still have an entire load of wet pajamas with diaper insides all over them, and that essentially your job is about 12% completed.
14. Cry again.
15. Lug the laundry basket of contaminated pajamas on the back porch.
16. Proceed to pick up each and every item in turn, untwist it, shake it out briskly in front of you, and smack it like it’s demon possessed against the porch rails.
17. Look around and see if any neighbors are watching, and decide it’s just going to have to be okay that they think you are spanking your laundry piece by piece in the broad daylight.
18. As the toxic diaper snow covers the shrubbery, start to feel really guilty about all the crimes you’re committing against mother earth today, and the little birdies that might try to eat the diaper stuffing.
19. Remember that video you saw recently about first-world problems and third-world people, and feel both guilty at being such a spoiled brat, and simultaneously annoyed at the crystals sticking to your eyelids.
20. Move “shower” from the “Maybe” to the “Definite” list for today’s nap time.
21. Realize the job of shaking out every speck of junk from off of these minuscule socks and pajamas is definitely going to take upwards of an hour. Sing to yourself, “I think I can, I think I can,” for motivation.
22. Take a brief “break” to make the boys lunch, and feed them while you continue the job.
23. Worry a little bit that they seem completely unfazed by their mother standing on the porch, covered in messy white mess, waving all of their clothes to the wind.
24. When their interest is finally piqued, threaten Sam with his life if he steps outside in the hazardous mess.
25. Realize as he’s standing next to you that you should have picked a more reasonable punishment.
26. While beating a pair of fleece pajamas, scream and yell at him to get back inside, further solidifying “crazy” status by any curious neighbors.
27. When the basket is completed, rewash the clothes.
28. Take an advil, and a nap.