You. You in Target last Saturday with your workout capris and your frappachino. You annoy me. I’m not envious of your 45-minute cardio workout, your leisurely picking out of the bathroom towels, your last-minute stop to Starbucks. I used to be. Back when I was new at this, I grieved over lost Saturdays, leisure time, and uninterrupted sleep, thinking these the biggest losses of mothering. I started out selfish with a growing love. Now, I know the deep curse of parenting. It’s love.
Unfortunately for us humans, grown-up love isn’t pink and sparkly like a Valentine’s card. It’s painful like an amputation. It bloats with huge hopes, deflates with fear, and gets choked up with worry. And parenting? It’s love times 1000.
The former Jessica had more time, money, and muscle tone, but more significantly, her heart was smaller. Her life was easier; her thoughts simpler. I know now that parenting this little guy is overwhelming, not for lack of love, but because there is so much. His hurts are mine, along with ten thousand more I fear for. And he’s only five months old!! As far as I can tell, there is no remedy, only the prayer: “Lord, he’s yours. I trust you…”
I heard recently that tanning beds rival cigarettes in the cancer-causing category. Darn it. Especially for me and others who suffer from S. A. D. (“seasonal affective disorder” = bad mood when it’s winter), this is a true loss. And I must admit, this whole January invades October thing is starting to wear on me. Winter stinks, but especially when it stomps out fall and immediately proceeds August. So Sam and I will spend the next 4+ months cozy, indoors, and homebound, avoiding the flu and all you germy people. Here’s my question. What creative INDOOR winter activities are there for a mom and her baby? I’m running out of ideas!! Here are a few I have thought of, just so you know convention and dignity are out the window. 1. Dance to country music with SamMule for a show. (Sure the neighbors enjoyed that one.) 2. Fill the sink with water and let Sam splash. 3. Have Sam play the piano with his feet. 4. Okay, last resort in moments of desperation, usually used around 6:45 p.m. if Daddy is still not home: Cuddle up and watch SportsCenter. I’d LOVE to hear your ideas! PLEASE! You can comment or email jessicasmartt@gmail. Thanks so much!
I think the world of Brad Paisley, and he will never know. He will never know how I respect that he plays guitar, piano, writes all his own songs, and draws. He will never know that I think his lyrics are GREAT examples of concrete language. He will never know that I “get” his witty jokes and think he’s so creative. This sad thought hit me during a windows-down drive the other day. Then I started thinking, for some reason, of all the other people I respect, famous and not famous, who don’t know that little (or big) aspect of their personality that connects with me…The things that I love, am amused by, envy, or praise God for – they will never know. I thought of the way my dad makes me so proud when he talks because it’s so captivating, even if he’s describing the new car wash. I thought about how my cousin Rebecca amuses me every day with her comical facebook updates, and how sister-in-law Julie asks the best questions, and really listens to the answers… as I thought, the people and traits became more and more random. Two convictions developed out of this…One, realize it’s possible there are people out there who appreciate more in me than I know of. Keep on keeping on, because you just never know. Two, start telling people the random, the meaningful, and everything in between. Heck, if I ever meet him, I might even start with Brad, too. 🙂
We were blessed to have my wonderful friend Janie take some FUN fall photos of our fam. And get this, she’s not even a professional (yet)! You can view her photos from the link to the right of the page (“Janie’s Photography”). Thanks, Janie! (I think she will be adding some more later!)
Just wanted to write a quick note…I haven’t figured out a good way to respond to the comments and feedback that is posted on the blog…but if you are reading this thank you for the messages, emails and comments about the blog! I so enjoy sharing and it always means so much to know someone has read what you write! So thanks!