ramblings from the deep end

First, I want to answer the obvious question here, the one I am getting all those comments about. (Not the comments below, they text them. I get lots of text comments.) And that question is, Jessica, what’s up with all these blog posts recently? You’ve been MIA, and now three in one week! Well, folks, the truth is, it’s not that anything more exciting is happening here than usual. But there’s an equation concerning blogs, which you might know if you have one. The equation is, the longer you wait between posts, the more important the next post has to be. And thus, the more recent the post, the lamer your next one can be. See, now I can post about my new favorite shampoo now or a funny comment Sam made about poop. But, if it’s been three months, people start to wonder about you. “Three months, and she’s posting about that? She thinks that is important? But once you get that first welcome-back post out of the way, the sky’s the limit. Which is why you are getting this post, which may or may not be full of helpful/odd tidbits of life here (off in the deep end).

Sometimes, I feel bad for Todd. When he calls me, he really never knows what he’s going to get. I could giddy about a surprise I just made him. Sometimes the whole family is giggling and tickling each other. Sometimes I share my amazing (next) idea to make a million dollars and be famous. Of course other times, I am screaming my head off at someone who is unravelling/shredding/eating the toilet paper. Sometimes I am on hold with the credit card company and about to rip someone’s head off. Sometimes I am weeping, and, moping, and forloin about how untan and mushy I’ve gotten. It’s a shot in the dark.

The point is, I waffle. Here is the latest little experiment Todd got to witness. I am sure, for not the first time, he was sure his wife was jumping face-first off into the deep end. Basically, I have self-diagnosed myself (here is Todd’s cue to groan and roll eyes) as being overloaded with toxins and irritants to my sinuses. So I’ve determined there are ways to reduce my body’s toxic and/or stress levels. I know that phrase sounds funny coming from me, sort of like when I heard my sister Jenny talking about the Giants’ defensive strengths. It seems odd. But really as the purpose of this blog is to entertain and inform, I am sure that my clever little list of life and body cleansing tips will do either amuse or help someone. Here are the things I have tried.
– Eliminating additives and dyes. Now this includes all the obvious fun stuff – oreos, pudding cups, bacon, coffee creamer, mayonnaise, etc. etc. But darn it, you can also find these stupid things in places that should never be black-listed. In the name of purity I also said goodbye to Colgate, Motrin, mouthwash, my precious Bath and Body works body wash, lip gloss, hand soap, emergen-C packets, fabric softener, and foundation. In what world should one feel guilty about brushing your teeth and taking vitamin C??? I know, I know, it sounds crazy. But read the labels!! It’s shame!
– In the process, here are all the things I’ve discovered you can wash effectively with vinegar: kitchen floors, my hands, the bathroom sink and toilets, unorganic produce, clogged drains, kitchen counters, and, my sinuses. And judging by the overall stinging sensation I got from that last one, I’m pretty sure the rest of them are clean. real clean.
– Here are some “greener” substitutes I have found for aforementioned items: Dr. Bronner’s body soap bars (found them at Trader Joe’s… But, as my cousin Sarah pointed out, great soap, WEIRD guy), baking soda and peroxide for toothpaste (this one was not fun), and coconut oil for lotion/lip gloss.
In case you’re curious, I’m back now, from that brief retreat into the life I should really be living. There are a few things I will leave in that life. Things like baking soda in my mouth, unless it is minisculey mixed with sugar, flour, and chocolate chips. Also, the vinegar in my sinuses routine. I think Sam thought I was a crazy person when he kept seeing me with an afghan over my face at the kitchen table.
However, I do plan to continue utilizing vinegar to clean everything other than my nasal cavities. I read somewhere how a lady cleans her bathroom with three paper towels and a squirt bottle of vinegar. Intruguing, is it not? Additionally, I found those natural soaps quite pleasant, and I plan to research natural makeup products. But you know, here is my conclusion. In the words of the very wise Bob Wiley: “Baby steps.” As wonderful as my week-long toxic fast was, and as many things as I learned, I think am going to baby-step my way into Green Land. This is essentially my tactic to buy a few more years of Oreos in my life, but whatever. Baby steps.

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